minimoni, 3200 wds - every road map leads straight to your heart

[past_the_moon]

Title: every road map leads straight to your heart
AO3 warnings: none
char: Namjoon/Jimin, Yoongi
tags: feelings realization, frustration, queerness, you know jeon jeonggukie thinks he'll hear bells when he meets his soulmate... , the appropriate worship of Park Jimin, Jimin's issues with food

Summary: Namjoon's brain isn't sure what he's feeling or why he's feeling it but his body knows what to do about it. Namjoon's POV. Day 1.

Namjoon is around these guys all the time. All the fucking time. They don't get any breaks. Even on days when there are no or very few schedules, there's not a break. They live together and work together and even though it's been years since they debuted, sometimes they even still have to shower together. He knows them literally inside and out, has seen their dicks and blood and vomit and popped their pimples and put in their contact lenses. Twice Guk has fallen asleep sucking on Namjoon's thumb.

There's nothing new about any of them anymore.

Except… eugh, it's weird, it's so weird. When he sat down next to Jimin, he was… he smells so good today. Maybe it's a new perfume. And he's wearing a soft pink shirt that's falling off one shoulder just a little bit, and droops forward the tiniest bit to show his collarbone. His skin glows against the pink, all smooth and pretty and soft-looking.

He's wearing dangling earrings that flash. They are made of little pieces that jingle the tiniest bit when Jiminie tosses his head. If Namjoon weren't sitting right next to him, he wouldn't be able to hear the tinkling noises, and that would be a fucking shame.

And Namjoon wouldn't be able to see the delicate curves of his ear. The blush pinky gold of the concha and the way the pinna slopes. If someone had asked him ten minutes ago, he would not have been able to remember the name of a single part of the ear. Now he wants to trace Jimin's helix with the tip of a finger, just to find the curve, just to see how his finger will move around it.

Jimin has small hands but beautiful fingers. The slim rings, such a difference from the jewelry from just barely last year, lead his eyes to Jimin's perfectly shaped fingernails. Somehow he keeps his manicure pristine; Namjoon is always slamming his fingers into something and chipping polish or ripping the nail off. His wrists are too thin, Namjoon can see too much of his bone and tendon under his bracelets, but the way he moves them is compelling. The dip of his collarbone… Namjoon can only look away from Jimin's ear to look at his collarbone.

Jimin leans forward to talk, and Namjoon gets stuck. He's going from collarbone to ear but there are Jimin's lips. Plump and glossy, so pink today, maybe there's even a little glitter? No one else gets dressed like Jimin now. No one else gets made up like him. They've pivoted to making him softer — they're all softer, yes, but Jimin… Jimin gets these cuddly sweaters and smudged eyeliner and frankly cute shoes. The sweep of his blond hair… even the tilt of his head seems different now.

Namjoon has learned to recognize a life shift when he feels it. One moment things are just fine, just normal. The next moment everything is different. One moment he's Runch Randa on a tiny stage, working out his mixtape, and the next he's Rap Monster at BigHit. One moment he's alone and the next day Gloss is there, splitting his time between talking Namjoon up as brilliant and jeering at his rhymes, the two of them bouncing off each other to make something greater than they could have ever made alone. One moment he's walking around in his boxers and the next moment he's responsible for a thirteen year old with big eyes. One moment he's just a regular kid from Ilsan and the next he's an international k-pop idol.

One moment he's Kim Namjoon, and the next he's… different. Because Jimin is sitting there next to him, beautiful and captivating and fun and kind and his laugh fills up all the cold corners inside Namjoon.

Namjoon thinks it's going to take weeks to figure this out — what he wants, how this makes him different, if this is going to change anything else. That night, he's the designated person to make sure Jimin eats, so they sit next to each other, legs pressed together. Namjoon feels hot everywhere Jimin is touching him. He's going to burn up. What can this mean?

It's actually humiliating to feel this way. Sex is something he just… he just has it. He's got the kind of libido that people make fun of, but if he doesn't come at least once or twice every day, he can't focus and he can't find his energy and he gets angry more easily, upset about stupid things that don't matter… But it's not something that distracts him. There's never been someone he can't stop thinking about like this.

It's not like he's never noticed the curve of a girl's mouth or the way he can look down her shirt if she leans forward. But that's just noticing for a moment and then forgetting about it. Tits are tits, mouths are mouths.

Those are girls, though, so it's normal. Jiminie very much is not. He's, it's — there's — Jiminie is pretty, pretty the way girls are pretty and soft in ways girls are soft, but Namjoon knows what's under his sweaters and jeans, the thick slabs of dancer muscle that mean Jiminie can throw himself through the air and do better body rolls than any of them, even Hobi.

He's a guy. He's Jiminie.

He's still wearing those dangling earrings, though. Namjoon can hear them tinkling under the noise and chaos of Bangtan dinner.

Namjoon doesn't let this distract him from making sure Jiminie eats the number of bites he and the hyungs agreed on. If Jiminie knew they did this, he would lose his shit on them, maybe throw some things — but someone has to, and the managers are all too happy for Jimin to never eat anything and stay the thinnest of all of them, to burn through his muscle, to have listless eyes and dull hair and sleep too much. Hyungs and Namjoon are not happy for that. And if Jeonggukie or Tae could keep a secret from Jimin, they'd be roped into this as well because they can't possibly be happy either. But Jeonggukie tells his hyungs everything, and Tae doesn't keep secrets from his soulmate.

"I'm full," Jimin murmurs when Namjoon puts another piece of chicken on his plate.

"Just one more," he urges. Then, out of his mouth, without his thought or permission, he says, "Do it for me, baby. Just one more bite."

Jimin doesn't seem to notice; he sighs and eats the entire piece of chicken. For Namjoon it would be a single bite; for any of the rest of them it would be a single bite. For Jimin it's five.

But he eats it so Namjoon is satisfied. He drapes his arm over the back of Jiminie's chair and smiles at his brothers around the table.

It's completely normal for Jiminie to snuggle into him and sigh and shut his eyes, but it feels different today. And it makes Namjoon want to puff his chest up — Jiminie is relying on him, Jiminie trusts him, Jiminie follows where Namjoon leads. It's heady; it's addictive.

They split off for their rooms — Jiminie with Hobi; Tae with Jeonggukie; Namjoon in with hyung and hyung this stop. They are almost done for right now, almost home, they just need to get through a few more nights. Nothing will stop once they're home; they won't get to rest. But they'll be sleeping in their own beds, in their own city; they won't have to speak any language but their own and the food will taste right.

All the little things about travel aren't too bad on their own, but they add up and get heavier and heavier until there's no way to get out from under other than spend a week at home. Fuck, Namjoon just wants to sleep alone in a quiet room and smell only his own farts for one single night.

Namjoon trips over himself and slams into the doorjamb on their way in, and then overcorrects and bangs his head into the closet door.

"Fuck!" he yells, and stomps into the bathroom. Hotel doors don't slam, so he can't even get his irritation out that way.

He twists the shower on as hot as it will go, strips and pisses, and then sticks his head out the door. "I'm going to jerk off like six times in this shower so if you have to piss come do it now," he announces crudely.

Seokjin hyung folds his arms across his chest and presses his lips together, but Yoongi hyung grabs his arm.

"All right, Namjoonah," he says easily. "Hyung and I are going to go get a drink. We'll be back in about an hour, okay? And — why don't you sleep alone tonight."

"You and hyung are gonna share?" he asks. It's not that he thinks hyung is lying, it's just that he doesn't believe what hyung is saying.

"Yes." Yoongi hyung's voice is firm. Namjoon watches him tug Jin hyung toward the door and then they're gone, Yoongi hyung calling, "One hour!" back into the room.

Fuck. Namjoon had just been an asshole and hyung just…

He'll apologize later. He really will. He won't just think about it and mean to and then forget.

In the shower, he uses the hotel conditioner to jerk off, because why waste a free hour? He'd really meant it when he'd said he was going to jerk off like six times, except it takes almost ten minutes to come once, even his usual go-to blowjob fantasy not quite getting him there, and then he's just. Tired. Grouchy.

Nights like this, he gets it, why people in his line of work do drugs and get drunk and fuck anything that moves; why they look for anything that will make this mind-numbing boredom and exhaustion feel less like it expands to fill every available moment. He's starting to really understand how people sour on this, why someone might want to step away, retire, give it all up for a normal life and a normal family and a normal job. Move offstage, just write and produce and 9-9-6 in an office.

Namjoon definitely doesn't want to. He wants to do this forever. But he also wishes there were a way to make it less… monstrous.

He scrubs his hair and body really quickly, then waits a bit to see if his dick wants to go a second time. It's like… nah, buddy, but thanks for thinking of me. So he shuts off the shower and dries himself off with a hotel towel. They're always so rough, but at least he doesn't really itch for a few minutes. He looks at his skincare routine, piled into his toiletry bag next to the sink, and gives the whole thing up for a bad job, just swipes on some moisturizer and flops down onto the bed that's farthest from the door. He knows it's gross to be on a hotel bed naked, but fuck.

Forty five minutes until hyungs come back. And he doesn't even want to jerk off. He can just lie here in silence, naked, alone. There's a beat in the back of his head, but it's not going anywhere.

It's not even really a beat. Just a sound, like bells, almost, tinkling, and actually, if he can lie here, in stillness, maybe he can tease it out from his subconscious a little. Maybe…

The door beeps. Namjoon stretches on the bed and turns over. "Hyung, I'm — oh. Jiminie."

"Joon," says Jimin in surprise. "Hyungs said — uh — that I could just come in and out without you noticing…"

"Yeah, yeah, turned out I just needed a really hot shower and then to lie down." Namjoon forces a smile. He gets up and tugs on his sweatpants. "Do you need… something?"

"Seokjinnie hyung said his good lotion was in his suitcase." Jimin makes a face. "My elbow hurts." He points to it unnecessarily — he's been complaining about his skin cracking on his elbow for more than a week at this point, from the dry hotel air and foreign clothes detergents.

Namjoon doesn't know what the fuck possesses him. He searches through Seokjinnie's toiletries bag and takes out the good lotion, the stuff he uses above his top lip and one the sides of his ankles. "Let me," he says, standing and clicking it open.

Jimin tilts his head, but does push up the sleeve of his cardigan and let Namjoon dab the cream on and then rub it in. Jimin's elbow is rough, and really does need the cream. Namjoon's skin doesn't get like this, tight and painful.

"You should use this more often," he murmurs, and squeezes out another dollop, rubs it in again, and then up to the really sensitive place above the elbow where Jimin's skin is so soft and sensitive.

"Hyung…"

Namjoon takes more lotion — he'll replace it for Jin hyung; Jiminie needs it more right now — and rubs it into Jimin's upper arm where he sometimes gets little bumps a few days after waxing. Jimin lets him move his arm around. Namjoon can't even see where his hand is anymore, slid under the sweater sleeve. He must be stretching out the wrists, but Jimin doesn't say anything.

"Okay?" he asks gently when Namjoon pulls his hand back out, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

"I — uh — sorry," he stutters.

"Can you do my other arm for me now?" asks Jimin. He unbuttons the cardigan and pulls his left arm out of the sleeve entirely. "They're unbalanced."

Namjoon knows Jimin is just taking pity on him, letting him do a task with a beginning and an end that nevertheless feels intensely like taking care of his members in the way a leader is supposed to. Although they don't normally let Namjoon do it like this. But it feels good, right, like even though he can't get them a vacation or get Jiminie to eat enough or get Jin hyung's joints to stay in place, or… anything… he can at least make sure Jiminie's arms are soft.

He focuses in on this, this one thing, and tries to get his brain to stop racing. The jingling in his brain gets louder — oh, no, it's because Jimin just tossed his head and he's still wearing those earrings.

"I… uh…" Namjoon reaches for Jimin's ear. "I love these earrings. You should always wear them like this. All…" He doesn't touch it. "Dangling."

"Too girly." Jimin sounds casual but Namjoon knows he's bitter about how careful they are with his styling so he doesn't give the whole band a bad reputation.

"They look good… you look good."

Jimin lifts his eyes to meet Namjoon's. "Do you really think so?"

"I think you're beautiful," says Namjoon honestly. Too honestly. Or maybe he's not honest enough more of the time, because Jimin looks surprised, and that hurts. Surely Jimin knows that of six beautiful men, he's the pinnacle.

Namjoon reaches for Jimin's face and strokes a thumb over his cheekbone. He isn't sure why. Why does he feel so compelled to touch Jimin like this? To not take his hands off Jimin's skin? Without his permission, his other hand runs up Jimin's arm and over his neck.

Jimin's eyes flutter shut, and that's it, that's what Namjoon wants to see, Jimin relaxing into his touch, Jimin closing his eyes and turning his face into Namjoon's palm cupped around his cheek.

"You're beautiful," Namjoon repeats, and — he didn't mean to get so close to Jimin's mouth, but it's so there. His lips are so full, and the perfect shape, and the skin around them just looks so soft, and tan, this perfect shade of pale pale brown that Namjoon doesn't want to ever have to look away from.

Namjoon lets his gaze travel up Jimin's perfect nose to his perfect eyebrows to his perfect eyes. Sometimes it's infuriating, how beautiful and perfect and graceful Jimin is, when Namjoon is ordinary and clumsy with nothing special about him physically. Namjoon is just regular, especially next to Jimin, but now it seems like a gift, almost, because it means he can see with even more clarity just how right it is that Jiminie exists here and now for Namjoon to look at and touch and make music with and laugh with and listen to him talk about dancing and science and video games, and…

"Hyung — Joon — what are you doing?" murmurs Jimin. His eyes are open wide now. They're also so beautiful; Namjoon wishes he never had to wear contacts and cover them up again.

"May I?" he asks, and doesn't wait for the answer, just runs a hand through Jimin's hair before Jimin answers. Finally gets to touch Jimin's ear, trace the outside.

What are you doing?! his brain screams at him. This is Park Jimin! He's one of your members and he's a he. He's a he!

But there's no room for that in Namjoon's brain when he's tilting Jimin's head back and Jimin is letting him.

"Jiminie," he breathes. "Mini."

"Joonie, please," Jimin says. Their lips are brushing now, but their mouths are still open. They're still talking. "What are you doing? What is this?"

"I don't know, Mimi." Namjoon feels so shy. When was the last time he felt shy? He can't think of it. But he wants Jiminie to see him and… and… "But I know that I want you. I want this. Is that okay? To want you?"

Stop talking! he tells himself, and tries to pull back to see what Jimin's face says, if it says anything at all.

He can't, though, because Jimin's wrapped an arm around his neck and is kissing him. Park Jimin. Is kissing him. Softly and gently, yes, just their mouths pressed together, but he is never again going to be the same person he was three minutes ago. He will always know what it's like to feel Park Jimin pressed against him, kissing him; what it sounds like, the way their mouths are slick and noisy, the waxy sweetness of the remnants of Jimin's chapstick, the way Jimin whines a little; he will always be able to conjure the memory of Jimin's pulse fluttering under Namjoon's fingers on his neck.

Jimin is trembling in Namjoon's arms when Namjoon breaks their kiss.

"I'm scared, Mimi," Namjoon whispers to him, too honest, too raw, too confused, "but I want this. Tell me it's okay to want you."

"Please want me," Jimin says, and presses their lips together again. "I want you too, Joonie."

And suddenly Namjoon's whole universe has changed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

Octoberabble 2026 day 30 : all the time

Not Namjoon looking at Jimin and Tae in almost identical shoes and sweaters and being like, Oh, Jimin is so different and cute and boyfriend shaped and his sweaters are so soft… No one else gets such a soft sweater… ))))

Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I started out with minimal confidence that I could pull this off, especially since I had only about six discrete scenes that I was going to build a non-linear story out of. That I couldn't go back and change anything even if I made a mistake in my plotting or characterization was scary! But I did it, look at that.

In a month when AO3 is back, I will put this and day 30 up there, and hopefully this will have more of an impact when you can reread the whole series!

Thank you again for reading and being here with me ♥